Monday, June 26, 2017

The New Novel

Sometimes I'm so smart
I almost feel like a real person...

• Ever wondered why you can’t call a girl the next day?

• Or who invented the friend-zone, and what it’s really for?

• Or why the divorce rate has mysteriously tripled since the advent of deodorant commercials?

Severe introvert by day, misguided dating guru by night, Harold starts a Youtube channel to workshop his elaborate strategies for seducing Emma, the girl of his dreams. But when he finally works up the courage to ask her out, he discovers that Emma is only using him to get fodder for her own dating blog – the one she’s set up to test ways to seduce Leopold.

As it turns out, Leopold is actually one of Harold’s dedicated followers. When he savagely misunderstands and mis-applies Harold’s advice, he suddenly finds himself hugely successful with the ladies, Emma included.

Faced with this strange new problem, Harold comes up with what he believes to be the strategy to end all strategies.

$̶6̶.̶9̶9̶ $3.99 Kindle
$̶1̶1̶.̶9̶9̶ $8.99 Paperback

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Quotes from Sometimes I'm So Smart...

"Looking into my past lives. Am convinced some of them still owe me money."

"You'd think they'd have invented an apple with smokey bacon flavor by now."

"Forget about hunting and gathering, killing alphas who covet our females, warring with tribes who worship the wrong deities. These days our survival skills are reduced to finding the path of least resistance when communicating with other humans."

"I'm very polite by nature, even the voices in my head let each other finish their sentences."

"Work has been slightly less of a bare-ass slide down the cheese grater lately."

"I’m like moss; you might not care for me at first, but when you’re not looking, I’ll secretly grow on you."

"I read somewhere that all girls pee in the shower, is this true?"

"Do you think people can sneeze in their sleep?"

"Apparently there’s something about shoe-shaped objects that activates the pleasure centers of the female brain."

"There are over 6 billion people on the planet. That’s 6 billion people, give or take a few, who don’t like me."

"By my estimations things that don’t really matter take up about 90% of our time."

Sunday, April 5, 2015

Get my Twitter Freebies

A lot has happened in the last few months.
Actually, three things have happened, but to me that’s a lot. Come to think of it, more than three things have probably happened – the world, I’m told, is a fairly large place – but only three things I feel I have the insight to talk about right now.

First, the screenplay version of No Hope for Gomez! has won several awards. Second, the paperback and kindle versions have a new cover, and thirdly, I’ve finally been able to get the twitter handle I wanted. So, to save myself the embarrassment of having a near negative number of followers, I’m going to shamelessly raffle off a few copies of my novels to people who follow me on twitter this week ;)

Start Twitter-stalking me here for free goodies.

Of course, chaos theory more or less states that even tiny, random events like following me on twitter can easily cause the world to become a much, much better place, so, when you think about it, you’re just doing your bit to save the planet ;)

Monday, November 4, 2013

Kindle Fire HD raffle for Charity

“I'm very polite by nature, even the voices in my head let each other finish their sentences.” – from Completely Flappable

As you may know, I hold an event each year during which I give away free books and raffle off some prizes. This year I thought it would be fun to donate the proceeds as well.

A while ago it occurred to me that it’s probably not governments or big corporations that wield the world’s greatest financial power. I think it’s us. All the little people together. Then I started wondering what could happen if we all decided to set 1 month of our incomes aside towards fixing this place up a bit. How many of the world’s problems could we actually solve permanently? Half of them, maybe? All of them? That's a pretty cool picture.

But I’m a pretty dim light when it comes to implementing even small ideas, never mind the big ones. So I’m not sure how to get that ball rolling (heck, I'm not even sure where we keep the balls). But I can certainly start with myself. That’s easy enough (I’ve been in close contact with myself for years; I didn't have much trouble convincing myself.)

So, this December, all proceeds of all my novels will go to Child Helpline International. The CHI is pretty cool because they support toll-free child helplines worldwide and they help highlight gaps in child protection systems. They do all this on donations (click the image below for more information.)

But what does all this have to do with you? Well, I'm raffling off some prizes and giving out some freebees to boost the donation (expenses out of my own pocket, not the donation :P )

So what's in it for you, besides that warm, fuzzy feeling you'll get knowing the Xmas presents you’re buying include an automatic donation? Well, how about I give you the new edition to the award winning No Hope for Gomez saga completely free?
And how about a Kindle Fire HD raffle ticket with every purchase while we’re at it?
Simply forward your receipt emails to to participate.

And now, on to the pitch. This is the bit where I try to convince you, using only my words, that my novels don’t suck (or at least, not too much.) That they won’t only tickle your brain, but they’ll actually make your life better, if only marginally. That they are, in fact, worthy donation material. Here goes (fingers crossed)...

Paper: $6.08
(uk paper, kindle)

No Hope for Gomez!

Winner of the Forewords Book of the Year Awards, featured on Kirkus Best Indie List 2011, IBA and USA Book News Award nominee.
It's the age-old tale:

  Boy meets girl.
  Boy stalks girl.
  Girl already has a stalker.
  Boy becomes her stalker-stalker.

We've seen it all before, many times, but this time it's different. If only slightly.
"Extremely witty writing containing keen insights into human nature." --California Chronicle
"Challenges the way we think about, and interact with, the world around us." --Kirkus Discoveries
"The antics in this book will leave the reader laughing. Graham Parke is a genius."--Reader's Favorite

Unspent Time

Warning: reading this novel may make you more attractive and elevate your random luck by about 9.332%*
(*These statements have not been evaluated by anyone of consequence)
Permeating the cracks between the past and the present is the realm of Unspent Time. Time that was allotted but never spent. In this realm we find the stories that could have been true. Such as the story of the designer of the color scheme used inside your shoe, or the story of Goki Feng Ho: the Chinese art of decoding the secret meaning of car license plates.

Paper: $6.08
ePub : $2.99
(uk paper, kindle)
“Captivating. Each story fired up my imagination.” – Alan H. Jordan, author.
"Delightfully mad. Graham's vibrant characters shine from the first page." --Tahlia Newland, author.

Free with this event

Completely Flappable

“He’s completely flappable!”
“Don’t you mean he’s unflappable?”
“Not really. He can very easily be flapped.”
Gomez has never been on a date. In his 27 years on the planet he’s never been able to quite close the deal. For some reason, circumstances always conspire to make his meet-ups with women less than official dates. But now a blond German girl with freckles has moved into his building and he decides it’s time to get his act together.

If you've read this far, you're already my hero ;)
I hope you like my idea enough to join me in this fun adventure. Let's see how much we can raise this Xmas ;)

Kind regards,

Graham Parke

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Why most divorces are caused by Deodorant - hear me out...

People often complain that the divorce rate is so high these days. As if it’s any kind of mystery. Clearly it’s because of perfume and deodorant commercials. They are the one and only reason.
Deodorant commercials have us convinced, after years and years of indoctrination, that we are worthless, disgusting humans who reek and need to be covered up. All day, every day. And soon enough, all night. Mark my words. It won’t be long before they’ll come out with a night time deodorant.

But here’s the thing. We are still biological beings motivated by parts of our ancient mammalian brain stems. We’re supposed to be attracted to members of the opposite sex who have a different immune system from our own. This is because if the parents of a child have different immune systems, the child will be that much stronger. It will have the added advantage of two lineages of immune systems. The best of both worlds.

Sadly, you can’t just look at someone and see, ‘Hey, she looks healthy, she must have a pretty good immune system.’ It doesn’t work that way. She may in fact have a damn fine immune system, but there is no visual clue to knowing whether it’s sufficiently different from your own. So how did biology solve this? Pheromones. Or, simply put; natural body odor.
Subconsciously you’re attracted to people whose smell tells your mammalian brain that their immune system is different. That’s the whole trick. That’s why bodies smell, why sweat is naturally scented, and why every person on earth smells slightly different.
It is also the reason why people of other races seem so exotic. It’s not actually because they look different, that’s just an explanation our mind comes up with. It’s actually because your mammalian brain already knows that they’ll smell different. It already knows that any interaction with another race would cause offspring with a mixed immune system.

But we humans wouldn’t be truly human if we didn’t find a way to effectively shut down this natural process and make a quick buck in its absence.

So we tell people that they are smelly beings who should always be protected by a layer of perfume or deodorant or, preferably, both. Just washing up and being clean can’t be enough. We don’t spend enough money that way. Result; our mammalian brains have no idea who is a good partner and who isn’t. It just gives up and goes on an indefinite holiday.

Of course, there have to be repercussions. There always are. Sooner or later your partner will catch a whiff your natural smell and that’s when they’ll recoil. ‘Damn!’ Their mammalian brain will say, ‘that’s not the partner for me! They smell totally wrong! Who slipped this moron past me?’

And that’s when 90% of divorce proceedings are started, and the culprit here, the real bad guys, are of course the perfume and deodorant people. They’re messing with evolution.

-- excerpt of; ‘Leverage, A Fiscal Accountant’s Guide to Finding True Love.’

Friday, June 21, 2013

Don't Look Over the Edge of the World

Story time.

Don't Look Out...

Kiala really didn’t want to open her front door. There were no signs that anything was lurking around out there, but she knew she couldn’t be alone. Not on a day like today. She’d thought about sneaking a peek through the blinds, checking the tree line that marked the edge of the village, but realized it wouldn’t do her any good. Sooner or later she’d have to step out. There was little point in making it more difficult for herself.

She took the magic rod from its encasement by the door and tested it out. It was a heavily carved piece of petrified wood that had been handed down by the women of her family for generations. It had many splendid and remarkable properties but it was not, she knew for a fact, in any way magical. It could cast no spells, ward off no evil, and it enchanted exactly nothing. It wasn’t even magical in the way that sunsets and sunrises were said to be magical. It was just an odd looking branch that had beads and feathers and sharp bits stuck to it.

In any other situation, a girl wouldn’t be caught dead carrying around something so flamboyant and so obviously manufactured to look mysterious. As situations went, however, today’s really wasn’t like any other.

No, sir.

But the rod was surprisingly sturdy for its weight. It barely topped half a coin sack and that was the one thing Kiala appreciated about it. Her tiny frame wouldn’t carry a rod of similar proportions if it were made of actual wood. Not for long anyway. Not long enough to cut through the forest that separated the village from the edge of the world.

A deep breath, a hand on the door handle, then a quick, strong tug. Like ripping off a band-aid, she told herself.

What she found outside was bad. Of course it was. It was as bad as she had expected, and then a little worse. But what should a girl expect on the day she’d been chosen to die?

Read the rest for free here:

Monday, April 15, 2013

My Zombie Apocalypse Plan

It used to be that only preppers and people with a high level of government clearance had the foresight to create a plan for the end of the world. A set of backup scenarios; food supplies scattered around the country side, escape routes out of the city, a bomb shelter here or there, that kind of thing.

But these days any halfway intelligent person needs to have some kind of plan, and as I’ve always aspired to be at least a half way intelligent person, I decided to hash one out.

It’s only logical when you look at the evidence. Global viral infections are becoming a yearly event, tsunamis and earth quakes are now common occurrences, and even the most sheltered government has realized that natural resources are dwindling, fast. If you’re still waiting for a clear sign that the end is nigh, then you might as well stand out in traffic in a tin foil hat telling people we’re going to be okay. Nobody will take you seriously.

And to me it seems only a matter of time before one of these freaky global viruses mutates sufficiently to actually reanimate dead flesh and put its host in a permanent state of annoyance. Ergo; we need to develop a strategy for the impeding zombie apocalypse.

Now you may ask why I would go through the trouble of creating my own strategy when there are so many existing strategies to be found on the net. A quick search will tell you the best weapons, the best foods, the best way to prep. However, I feel that none of these plans take into account the real hardships people will have to face. So I spent some time looking at all the possible angles and came up with what I believe is the most sane and most efficient Zombie apocalypse plan to date. And I believe it’s as simple as it is effective; Basically, I intend to die in the very first wave.

To me that makes the most sense. More sense at least than undergoing all manner of hardship only to die eventually anyway (through bites/malnutrition/or terminally chapped lips).

For any plan the long term survival rate is zero. Of course, it could be argued that the zombie apocalypse is the least worrying apocalypse of all. On the apocalypse scale, it’s like a flee bite. There is no real damage to the ecosystem, our infra structure will remain intact, the power grid won’t melt down. Basically, all we need to do is wait it out. Say, a couple of weeks. Just long enough for the re-animated dead to decompose to the point where they simply fall apart and movement is no longer an option.

Sure, it’ll be annoying. Insurance rates will go through the roof. You’ll lose some slow and fat loved ones. The smell won’t be that great. It will take ages for your favorite TV shows to start up again. Marauders will raid your food stocks and trample mud into your carpet. There’ll be some broken windows too, believe me. But, ultimately, we’ll be okay.

Still, before we get out the other end, supply lines will be disrupted and stores will run out of toothpaste, deodorant, and chap-stick.

So, for those reasons, I’m out.