Yet Another Give-away Blog Hop

A simple giveaway this time. Subscribe to this shiny new blog as a new follower and you could be the lucky winner of a limited edition, signed copy of "No Date for Gomez!"

No Date for Gomez!

The Blurb:

The events in this novella take place 5 years prior to those described in the international bestseller (fingers crossed): No Hope for Gomez!

“I’ve always worried that we have one particular hair on our heads which, upon removal, causes all other hair to fall out. A Master Hair of sorts.      It’s probably nonsense. It’s highly unlikely. Nevertheless, I comb very carefully.” -- Gomez Porter, Blogspot. [5 years and 2 days ago from blogfox]

Gomez’ attempts to secure a date with the new girl in his building are nothing if not unorthodox and alarmingly awkward. But, as fortune would have it, this is not your typical girl next door. This strange creature hides a dark secret, one in which Gomez may well find himself caught up.

The Excerpt:

Ran into Gretchen in the hallway. My head was buzzing with thoughts, but when I looked into those hazel eyes, everything went quiet. It was like a power outage in my brain. All synaptic activity slowed and my inner voice went dead. In fact, I wasn’t even entirely sure I was still there.

    I could remember talking to people. Knowing the kinds of things one said in polite conversation. I could remember making people think and laugh. But, at that very moment, I couldn't put my finger on any of the words one might use when running into a fellow human being in a hallway.

    Gretchen smiled and said, “Hi!”

    Which was one of the words one might use.

    “How are you doing today?”

    Which, I now recalled, was a bunch of others.


Hop to the next blog in the list: Here.

Black Nailed Interview

BN: How did you choose being an author for your career?

Graham: I don’t think many people sit down to make a career choice and come up with ‘author’. Much like the number of enthusiasts for a vacancy as torture victim are, I suspect, quite low.

Read the interview HERE.

Ban on overly Xmassy sites.

I love Christmas. Or most bits of it. I like the red bits, and the bits with the lights, and I especially like the bits where it gets cold and dark and then I get presents. And I don’t even mind the commercialization of Xmas; shops fronts all dressed up, corny music playing everywhere, people I don’t recall sending me cards and making me feel guilty so I send them a card next year when they forget to send me one because I was too late this year, and so on. All that is part of the fun. It’s what Xmas is all about. And I still think Coca Cola deserves at least half a nobel peace prize for coming up with Santa and all the wooly-redness that he brings with him. Maybe we can find a used nobel prize on eBay or something. Paint it a little. Put it in the mail. Come on, it’s the least we can do!

But where it all starts to break down for me is all the website updates. Suddenly every single site in existence needs to update their graphics to make them all… well… Xmassy. Adding lights and reindeer and, for the love of Coke, snow. Snow, snow, snow! Please! It was bad enough when Google started updating their logo for every single calendar item (apart from “Saint Pascal’s Afternoon” I don’t think they skipped a single one). Do we all have to follow? Do we all have to keep pretending that websites are somehow real places and thus in need of festive make-overs? No, we do not.

So you can imagine my intense dismay when, after a dreary afternoon of zoning out and killing time, I noticed that I’d not only doodled some Xmassy graphics for my website, I’d also compressed the files, uploaded them, changed the site’s html, and made the whole thing go live. I mean, really, of all absentminded mistakes to make!

Needless to say I was embarrassed to find I’d sunk so much time into it. So much so I decided to invest no further time into it at all, such as the time needed to revert everything back again. I’ll get to it some time, perhaps in the new year…

The Cast for the No Hope for Gomez! Movie

I've been having fun following forum discussions about possible cast lists for a No Hope for Gomez! Movie. Often authors have someone in mind when they write up a character. An actor maybe, a relative, or just some dude they caught going through their garbage. This I'm told. I don't really write that way. I didn't have anyone in mind when I created the characters in NHfG!, but the discussions inspired me to come up with my own shopping list. I invite you to add your own picks. I'd be interested to hear who you'd pick and why.

I realize that there are still a few of you who haven't finished the novel and don't know all the characters yet, so I've added some info and quotes to each. Little statements that define them. This way everyone has a good base for choosing an actor (or a relative, or a dude they caught going through their garbage).

Warren Baxter
Gomez’ neighbor. He spends his time writing bible-thick manuscripts that nobody is interested in.

“There was nothing I could do to stop Warren from walking down the stairs with me, so I shrugged and picked up the pace. As he started talking, I increased my pace further. At one point I tried taking two steps at a time, but that, apparently, only works well on the way up.” – Gomez

“I told Warren that I’d said everything that could be said about his manuscript with the salamanders. As an artist, he should understand I that could never sacrifice the intensity of my feedback by translating it into a lesser medium. Moreover, it would be an unforgivable waste of salamanders.”- Gomez

My pick:

Felipe Esparza. Reason: Look at the guy. You know he's already stir-frying gophers in enamel woks at midnight. He won't even have to act. He'll just need to hold back a little.
Where have we seen him: Last comic standing, S7.


Dr. Christine Hargrove
Runs the drug trial in which Gomez is enrolled.

“If it doesn’t interfere with your coffee plans, I’d like to get a Coke with you after work. I mean, after your work, of course, and mine, also. After both our works. Sorry I didn’t make that clear.”

“You better leave me alone. I so much as spot you in the distance, I’ll break into your apartment to shave off your eyebrows while you sleep!”

My pick:

Lacy Chabert. Reason: Dr. Hargrove isn’t what you'd call a stock character. We need an actress who can play a completely new female character. We also need some cuteness and deeply penetrating eyes.
Where have we seen her: Pleasure drivers, Lost in Space, Party of Five.


Hicks
Hicks is a neurotic antiques store assistant.

“I inherited Hicks along with the store when my parents died in a tragic antiques-acquiring incident. I’ve kept him around in the hope he’d turn out to know something vital about the antiques business. If he does, he’s been keeping extremely quiet about it. In fact, he’s shown no signs of knowing anything vital about anything.” – Gomez

My pick:

Hugh Laurie. Reason: Hicks is a complicated character, in the prequel he'll be going through some wild and dramatic changes as well. So we need someone who can play a range of characters, make them convincing, and still be able to deliver expert timing.
Where have we seen him: All or nothing at all, A bit of Fry and Laurie, Black Adder.


Customer/Antiques expert
Annoying customer, knows far more about antiques than is strictly necessary for survival in this world.

My pick:

Danny Trejo. Reason: Come on, you can see the scene in your mind, can't you? Trejo walks into the antiques store, sleeveless leather jacket, tattoos all over the place, biker grimace. He picks up an obscure, dust covered item, and complains how puzzling it is that it resembles some of the more notable pieces of the Louis Philippe period, while its refinement and detailing is more in line with Louis XIV style.
For that scene alone I'd watch the movie.
Where have we seen him: In at least half the movies in existence today.


Sombrero guy
Mysterious character, infiltrates the antiques store in various guises with vague and eerie goals.

“Some hats go well with business suits, most hats don’t, but nothing goes quite as badly with a business suit as a sombrero, which is what the guy was wearing.”- Gomez

“..his Adam’s apple was unusually large and pointy. As soon as I’d noticed it, I couldn’t take my eyes off it. I almost sensed the thing scraping against the inside of his skin, stretching his throat to the brink of bursting. I was going to have nightmares for days.” – Gomez

S: “See how this faded blue line runs along the left side of the form, but not the right?”
G: “Yes, now you mention it. Is that significant?”
S: “Probably not, no." He shook his head. “Can’t imagine why it would be.”

My pick:

Steve Buscemi. Reason: I don't really need a reason. Steve should be in every movie. Fine, if you insist; just picture Steve in a business suit, wearing a sombrero, and sandals, going around trying to make friends. Would you be his friend? Of course you would, don't lie. You’d be his friend if only to see what would happen next.
Where have we seen him: in the movies Danny Trejo isn’t.


But, most importantly, we'll need a director. Someone with vision. Someone with heaps of talent. Someone who won't be scared off by a script of which the most interesting features are the coffee stains.

My pick:

Terry Gilliam. Reason: He'll make a great movie. If not, at least he'll be man enough to burn the negatives. Something more directors should be willing to do.
How do we know him: Brasil, Fear and Loathing, 12 Monkeys.


We still have a few people left; Joseph Miller, the first victim. Mr. Norton, the only world-weary detective who happens not to be wise-cracking. Detective Moran, Tommy, Harry, well, the list goes on. Let me know what you think. If you don't, I’ll vote for all of them to be either played by Paul Giamatti or the dude who's currently going through my garbage (he has a rough but intense way about him.)

Did I forget anyone? Ah, yes, Gomez himself. Well, here’s the thing. Try as I might, I can't wrap my head around this one. Here’s some suggestions I've seen around the net: Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Tony Shalhoub, Rowan Atkinson, Brian Austin Green

I'll leave it up to you.

Gratitude Giveaway

For the Gratitude Give-away I’ll be raffling off signed copies of “No Date for Gomez!” Those familiar with my work will know that this novelette is not available for purchase anywhere. I originally wrote it as a companion story to “No Hope for Gomez!” to use for marketing purposes. For this give-away I have revived it through a one-time printing.

Excerpt:

“Ran into Gretchen in the hallway. My head was buzzing with thoughts, but when I looked into those hazel eyes, everything went quiet. It was like a power outage in my brain. All synaptic activity slowed and my inner voice went dead. In fact, I wasn’t even entirely sure I was still there.       I could remember talking to people. Knowing the kinds of things one said in polite conversation. I could remember making people think and laugh, but, at that very moment, I couldn't put my finger on any of the words one might use when running into a fellow human being in a hallway.      Gretchen smiled and said, “Hi!”      Which was one of the words one might use.      “How are you doing today?”      Which, I now recalled, was a bunch of others.”

More information on this weird story can be found here, but then, why would you need more information?

So, just sign up as a member of this new blog and you are automatically eligible to win a signed copy of “No Date for Gomez!”

Click here for more Gratitude Giveaways!

Oh, and don’t forget to check out the Gomez BirdDay event and win a Kindle or iPod. See previous post!

Quotes You really shouldn't read!

Assorted quotes from "No Hope for Gomez!"


"Sadly, my socks are like snowflakes, no two are exactly alike." — Graham Parke

"I shouted the perfect words to scare him off. It was just the delivery (and only the delivery) that made me sound like a twelve-year-old girl with pee running down her leg.
I felt dirty and stupid." — Gomez

“I’d like to get a Coke with you after work. I mean, after your work, of course, and mine, also. After both our works. Sorry I didn’t make that clear.” – Dr. Christine Hargrove

“There was nothing I could do to stop Warren from walking down the stairs with me, so I shrugged and picked up the pace. As he started talking, I increased my pace further. At one point I tried taking two steps at a time, but that, apparently, only works well on the way up.” – Gomez

“Some hats go well with business suits, most hats don’t, but nothing goes quite as badly with a business suit as a sombrero, which is what the guy was wearing.”- Gomez

“I’m wearing a really sexy outfit. It’s especially tight around my breasts and it completely hides my uneven shoulders.” – Dr. Christine Hargrove

“Every once in a while you come across a novel that reminds you why you think you enjoy reading in the first place. A novel so fresh and new that it reacquaints you with feelings of childhood wonder. The novel my neighbor Warren wrote was, quite possibly, the very first example I’d come across of the exact opposite of this.” – Gomez

What you should probably know about my....

I don't really like a lot about myself, but I do happen to believe I have great toes. They are extremely shapely: not too long, not too fat, and with good, solid joints. In fact, I’m seriously considering leaving them to science.

I can almost envision enthused scientists, decades from now, marveling over my generosity and my shapeliness of toes:

Scientist #1: “This just came in...”

Scientist #2: “What’s that? It looks like a… bag of toes?”

Scientist #1: “It is. Apparently Graham thought you might, eh, want to take a look.”

Scientist #2: “And then?”

Scientist #1: “Well, he didn't really specify.”


Scientist #2: “Are you serious?”

Scientist #1: “Yes…”

Scientist #2: “You’re bringing me a jiffy bag full of toes?”

Scientist #1: “That’s how they came in.”

Scientist #2: “Are they even sterilized? There’s blood all over the place! And what are those, are those candy wrappers?”

Scientist #1: “The toes are individually wrapped, yes.”

Scientist #2: “Oh man… what’s going on here?”

Scientist #1: “Apparently, he cut them off himself. Just before he passed away. Had a courier rush them over. Asked for you specifically.”

Scientist #2: “He cut off his toes himself?”

Scientist #1: “Wouldn’t trust anyone else to do it. Said you’d understand.”

Scientist #2: “What?”

Scientist #1: “As soon as you’d take a look, you’d understand. Look, I don’t like this any more than you do, but, well, the guy did cut off his toes for you. Least you can do is take a look, right?”

Scientist #2: “I’m not touching those candy wrappers. In fact, I don’t think I’ll ever eat candy again!”

Scientist #1: “I can unwrap them, I suppose, but you’ll owe me lunch.”

Scientist #2: “Fine…”

Scientist #1: “For a month.”

Scientist #2: “Okay, okay. Let’s just get this over with!”

Scientist #1: “Here we go. Here’s the first one.”

Scientist #2: “Don’t hand that thing to me, just put it down over there somewhere. No! Damnit, man! Wash the blood off first!”

Scientist #1: “Fine! Here you go, all nice and clean. And here comes the second one…”

Scientist #2: “Say…”

Scientist #1: “Here’s the third. What? Why are you looking at me like that?”

Scientist #2: “Who else saw these toes come in?”

Scientist #1: “What do you mean? No one. Just me.”

Scientist #2: “You sure?”

Scientist #1: “Sure I’m sure. For some reason, no-one was interested in a bag of bloody toes, believe me. And stop looking at me like that…”

Scientist #2: “These here are some very, very nice toes.”

Scientist #1: “Well, now I’ve cleaned them off, they don’t look half bad, no.”

Scientist #2: “Are there any tests we can perform? I mean, anything we specifically need toes for instead of, say, fingers?”

Scientist #1: “No, not really. Don’t really need toes. Usually we just throw them out.”

Scientist #2: “Any amputees on the waiting list, people who need toes?”

Scientist #1: “Nope, already checked.”

Scientist #2: “I won’t say anything if you won’t…”

Scientist #1: “About what? What are you doing? What’s that saw for?”

Scientist #2: “I’m keeping these toes, man. They’re so much better than mine. Here, take this syringe, put me under, then swap my toes. We can be done before lunch!”

Scientist #1: “You’re crazy if you think I’m even going to consider doing that!”

Scientist #2: “Come on!”

Scientist #1: “No way!”

Scientist #2: “I’ll finally be able to wear sandals in public, get all the girls I want, look down admiringly in the shower! Don’t take that away from me. Not when I’m so close. Here, take the damn syringe!”

Scientist #1: “No freaking way! First off all, the toes haven’t even been tested yet. Secondly, according to my estimations, at least half of them toes are mine!”

Scientist #2: “What?”

Scientist #1: “You heard me!”

Scientist #2: “They were given to me specifically, didn’t you just say that a minute ago? Graham asked for me specifically?”

Scientist #1: “Yeah, well, all I’m saying is, if you want to keep these toes out of the system, you’d better give me half.”

Scientist #2: “Fine. Have it your way. Half a set of magnificent toes is better than none, I suppose. But how are we going to do this?”

Scientist #1: “I’ll do you, then you do me. We can be done before dinner.”

Scientist #2: “No, I mean, who gets what?”

Scientist #1: “I’ll take the left toes, you take the right toes. My left foot has always been my favorite anyway. Hell of a soccer kick. We have to separate the toes carefully, though. Don’t want to muck up my balance.”

Scientist #2: “Really? That’s your plan? You’re such a moron! I was thinking more along the lines of alternating the toes. You know, every other toe. Three on one foot, two on the other?”

Scientist #1: “Why make it so complicated?”

Scientist #2: “Just think, man! We could end up with two beautiful feet, each! These toes are so fine, they’ll easily overshadow our own toes. No one will ever notice them again! They’ll just see Graham’s toes and go; Aahh…”

Scientist #1: “That’s insane!”

Scientist #2: “And…?”

Scientist #1: “And it might just work! Okay, lay back, here we go!”


Graham's website

Sneak Prequel

To start this blog off on the wrong foot, here's a sneak preview of a prequel chapter to "No Hope for Gomez!" Note: this scene takes place 5 years before the events chronicled in NHFG!


Hicks:

Arrived at the antiques store a little before twelve. Had an important errand to run.

      “Morning Mr. Porter,” I said, throwing my coat in the general direction of the coat rack. “How’s it going? Are you feeling any better today?”

      Mr. Porter shrugged.

      My coat landed nicely on the middle peg, as always. I continued toward the counter. “I had a Great Idea this morning!”

      “You did?” Mr. Porter nodded thoughtfully. “Well, that’s probably a good thing, then.” He was about to stare out the window, when something occurred to him. “Hey,” he said, “who are the hot babes?”

      I was lost for a moment, then I realized he must be referring to the two young ladies on my arms. “These are Christy Turlington and Lacy Chabert,” I told him.

      Christy and Lacy said ‘Hi’.

      “Pleased to meet you,” Mr. Porter said. He smiled amiably. “I don’t suppose either of you is in the market for antiques?”

      “Well, Mr. Porter,” I said, “Christy here is actually a supermodel and Lacy is a movie star. They’re unlikely to be in need of damaged Ikea furniture to pass off as antiques any time in the near future.”

      “Fair enough.” Mr. Porter looked for something behind the counter. “So, does this mean you’re taking the day off, or are the girls just going to watch you sweep? There should be some chairs around here somewhere…”

      “They’re part of my Great Idea, actually.”

      “Ah.”

      “I was thinking we might attract more customers with the help of some beautiful girls. I realize we don’t have much of a budget, so I went to the airport to see if I couldn’t rustle up some volunteers. At first I’d planned to pick up some exotic looking women from the flight coming in from Brazil, but then I ran into Christy here and decided to up the stakes.”

      Christy smiled, seemed about to say something, then just giggled.

      “Then I went to check the flights from L.A., and used Christy as bait to get Lacy.”

      Lacy rolled her eyes. “Oh, please,” she said. “I picked you up.”

      “Either way,” I said, “both Christy and Lacy were kind enough to donate a few hours of their time to help us out.”

      “That’s great,” Mr. Porter said. “But what will they do, exactly?”

      “Well…”

      I had to admit, I hadn’t thought that far ahead. In my experience, most of life’s problems tended to disappear more or less automatically when beautiful women arrived on the scene. I’d never thought to question the exact mechanics of it.

      “I could point at the antiques,” Christy offered. She gave us a quick sample, pointing out one of the items that had recently become priceless.

      Mr. Porter seemed doubtful. “You just point at them?” He shook his head. “I fail to see what that will accomplish. I’ve been pointing out these antiques to customers for over twenty years, never did me much good.”

      Christy smiled brightly. “But I’m a professional,” she said, “I’ve studied for this. I have techniques.”

      “Meaning what, exactly?”

      “well… I use different angles.”

      She gave us another sample. And while she did indeed look stunning, the antiques ended up looking more or less the same.

      “Try another angle,” I suggested.

      Christy did.

      “I don’t know…” Mr. Porter said.

      “Look,” Lacy interjected. “It’s very simple. All we need to do is reorder the list of inventory items by absolute descending profit margin and use this as a ranking with which to optimize store layout. This way we can quickly maximize revenue increase while at the same time facilitating interrelated item synergy. Next, we pop Christy outside in a tube top holding the top item.”

      Mr. Porter looked at me. “What’s she saying?”

      I wasn’t entirely sure. “Thank you for thinking along, Lacy,” I said, “but you’re a little difficult to understand.”

      “I have a red tube top!” Christy chirped. Then her face clouded over. “But I also have a blue one. It’s going to be difficult to choose.”

      I dug out my cell. “Okay,” I said. “Hold on everybody, I have another idea. Let me just call the Mayor, he’s a personal friend of mine. Maybe he can come over and officially open the store for us. Then Christy and Lacy can hold the ribbon while he cuts it. It’ll be great.”

      “But the store is already open,” Mr. Porter complained.

      I gestured around. “Really, though, who’s going to know?”